Consensual sex is the best kind of sex. Why? Because by giving your consent, you’re saying you WANT sex, rather than sex being something that you’re coerced into, peer-pressured into, or even forced into doing.
It’s crucial that you’re aware – whether you’re a man or a woman – that in every intimate or sexual encounter, you have the right to scream “YES!” in pleasure or say “NO” sternly. To have that choice is a right, and that right is yours and yours alone. No one should stop you from doing so, and if they do, their committing a crime punishable by law.
Nevertheless, I’ve had my own fair share of experiences where the line was maybe a bit hazy. It wasn’t like I was opposed to having sex, but I wasn’t necessarily 100% sure that having sex was what I wanted to do at that moment in time.
In events like this, it’s important to know what your options are, and how to go about taking the best course of action for YOU.
Go Ahead, Have The Sex
You may decide that you’re “meh” about the whole situation. Your potential partner is sexy, the night is young, so are you, and you’re alright with gettin’ down and dirty.
If this is what you choose to do, be sure to take a quick moment to think about your choices and decisions, because that’s exactly what they are YOURS.
Draw up an imaginary scenarios for yourself in your head:
Is this what your really want? Are you in the right frame of mind? Will you feel good about your choice tomorrow? Is this the only way to show your partner how you feel about them? Do want a relationship rather than a one-night stand with them? Are there condoms readily available? Are you or your partner on the pill?
If the answer to most of these questions are “NO”, then from an objective standpoint, you’re probably better off NOT having sex tonight.
However, if you’ve weighed the consequences and have contraception at the ready, and STILL want to do the nasty, then get down and do it!
Plainly saying no with words
It is important to say YES to what you want and NO to what you don’t. Often you might feel as though walking away, refraining from kissing or moving your partners hands away from your body, are enough to say no to any form of intimacy or sex , but this is not the case. You need to be vocal and say what you mean plain and straight. So if touching, kissing or sex is not what you want, make that clear to your partner. Your partner is not a mind reader or a qualified body language expert, so don’t expect them to know how you’re feeling or what you’re thinking.
If you decide that you’d rather NOT have sex, then you need to speak up. Staying silent about your decision may result in something less than desirable for you. More often than not, your partner will be understanding, or, at the worst, will leave you and find someone else to get into bed with (in which case grab a bag of crisps, some ice cream, and watch Netflix – you’ve earned it because someone’s lost out… hint: it’s not you).
Sometimes it can be difficult for even the most confident of us to say “No” in a way that won’t offend others. However, take this as a little note to self: if they’re offended by you not wanting to get intimate with them, then you shouldn’t want to have sex with them in the first place because they clearly do not respect you.
It doesn’t have to be awkward or weird, but if it so, here are a few suggestions to lighten the mood (but remember just saying NO is fine as well) But, to alleviate the awkwardness that saying “No” might bring, here are some top tips of how to get your point across:
How to Say “No Thank You”
A) “I think I’d rather not tonight”. This statement is very diplomatic. You’re firmly standing your ground while hinting that maybe ANOTHER night you might be up for the sex. By saying it like this, you’re placing the blame on the night in question, rather than on your partner. This statement is best used by people who are nervous that they might upset their sex partner by rejecting them. It’s best used if you’re just really not feeling up to it tonight, but might consider it at another time. But make that clear also.
You are welcome to say no tonight, and tomorrow if that’s how you feel, just because you said you had sex last Thursday, doesn’t mean that you have to have sex every Thursday from that point onward. Don’t do anything that you are not comfortable with. Set boundaries and communicate, that’s the only way to make things clear for you and your partner.
B) “Not tonight”. This is kind of a similar statement to A), but if said in a cheeky or flirtatious manner, it can alleviate any tension caused by your refusal to have sex. If you want to be cheeky, say “not tonight”, drop a little kiss on your partner, and go home. You’ll be leaving them wanting more, and thinking about you all night long. Likewise, say what you mean sternly, in a confident yet tone, if your point isn’t coming across as well as you’d hoped.
C) “I’m tired”. This is a very simple statement. You’re being straight to the point while at the same time – not being all that straight to the point. This is a good way for someone who doesn’t like conflict to face this issue of saying “No”. In two words, you’re very sternly saying “I could not be bothered to have sex with you so I’m going to pretend I’m very sleepy so that you won’t try to hit on me anymore”. And you mind not be pretending. You could genuinely be too tired after a long day and that is fine as well.
D) “I’m fine with the way things are right now”. Again, a very diplomatic statement, letting your partner know that you think they’re pretty cool, but you’re NOT cool enough with going any further with them just yet. Think of this as an ‘easy let-down’. If they try to talk you out of your decision, you may resort to any of the other statements.
E) Walk Away. Not always the best options, but an option never the less. Most of the time, communication is the way to go with your partner. However, if you don’t know the person very well that you’re potentially going to sleep with, then sometimes it’s easier (and less awkward) to just go home and walk away from them and the situation rather than trying to talk about it. This is a quick and easy solution for you to get what you want, although if you intend to have a longer-term relationship, discussing things will get you further.
All in all, remember that you always always always have the right to say either YES or NO. And even though sometimes it can be hard to say “No” if you’re just not feelin’ it, we hope we’ve given you some tips to help make that discussion easier. But at the same time, you have the option to just be real with your partner and we truly encourage you to do. Do not string someone along if you have no interest in them. Be opened and be honest. They’ll appreciate it in the long run and you’ll feel lighter for telling the truth!
Feel free to amend any of these statements when you’re using them in real life, or come up with your own and let us know! Remember: points for creativity!
Here is a short video on Consent by Blue Sea Studios. Here you’ll see that giving consent to is a lot like making Tea. How you ask, watch the video below & enjoy: